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Mafia Gazette Past Issue 66
The Mafia Gazette Issue 66 For All The News That Is News (E&OE) Friday 16th December 'NEW CRIME LORD THREATENS TOP MOB BOSSES ' The community has recently been rocked by a wave of bank robberies and seemingly random killings, fingers have been pointed in many directions but no hard evidence has been produced to confirm or deny any of the allegations being cast around. This has lead to much unrest and suspicion between rival gang members, as each try desperately to discover the true identity of the mind behind the crime wave. The Gazette is pleased to report that, as usual, we have the inside scoop. After piecing together reports from several different sources, The Gazette can reveal that a mysterious crime lord by the alias of Miroslav Vienti is behind the flurry of illegal behaviour to rock our nation. Little is known about this individual, however early reports seem to indicate that he originated from Yugoslavia, where similar crimes and barbaric acts of torture drove him to the US after receiving the death penalty from Yugoslavian judges. Information is limited as to why these mysterious hits are being placed, and to what end the constant stream of bank robberies are being performed, anyone with relevant stories should contact The Gazette’s hot desk. Rewards are being offered by both the Police and aggrieved Mob bosses for information as to the whereabouts of Vienti. More news to follow as it reaches us. 'NEW MISS MAFIA CONTEST OPENS ' By: Constanzia_Corleone While strolling along the street on my way to mass, this reporter was able to obtain information about an upcoming contest. For an entrance fee of $100.00, a young lady is placed into the contest and eligible for the crown and distinction of being Miss Mafia. In all outward appearances, this contests appears to be a lovely notion allowing the ladies to meet one another as well as providing the winner with gifts, prestige, and a good future. After taking shelter in a nearby doorway, this reporter was able to confirm bits of information from the main sponsor and others in various positions in the contest and its sponsors. From what could be detected, the contest will basically be a population contest rather than a competition to choose a young lady who represented the Mafia in style. The winner should possess old world beauty along with grace, education, and dignity. Her voice and words along with elocution should be impeccable and out of respect be able to address others in English, Italian, and Sicilian. Another point of discontent was the fact that there is no mention of duties for Miss Mafia. Usually, when such a contest is held, the rules highlight not only the rules, but also all of the expectations for the winner. These expectations usually include appearances for various causes, parades, visiting wounded soldiers or ill children. The position can also be used to place worthwhile causes out before the people. As for this reporter, I highly suggest that ladies look inside of themselves and find all their inner beauty and strength. This should be done before considering placing down your entry fee along with your hopes and dreams. '“OUTRAGED” ' By: Gazette Reporter In issue 65 of the Gazette, we reported that following the death of PinkMistress, the notorious Made Woman who drew police attention as a suspect in the Denver bank robbing spree, the police saw fit to disclose the details their investigations. As far as the police are concerned, the investigation is unsolved and marked inactive until further evidence arises. Denver residents, while they may not have forgiven, they have certainly moved on and tried to forget. Apparently, moving on is not so easy for one BrokenAngel, who was “outraged”, as her street meeting would suggest. BrokenAngel, daughter of the prominent Made Woman, PinkMistress, proceeded to launch herself on a psychopathic tirade to discredit the reporting of the Gazette. To clarify the point, the Gazette did NOT accuse PinkMistress of robbing the banks of Denver, but merely confirmed that she was a suspect in the ensuing investigation. On the robberies themselves, we have the following information. The first robbery took place on Dec 06 at 9:32 PM. Police are uncertain whether this is a separate case, or whether it was the iniquitous bank robber tasting the appetisers. The main meal – excuse me, the “gluttonous feast” – was gorged upon in the small hours of the morning on Dec 08 during 7 gargantuan sittings taking place at 1:01 AM, 2:02 AM, 2:05 AM, 4:07 AM, 5:17 AM, 5:20 AM, and 5:35 AM. Dessert was the eighth robbery on the 8th of December, taking place at 5:58 PM. The Gazette was fortunate enough to have been enabled unprecedented access to the cells of Denver jail, where from the signatures carved in the walls, we have ascertained the following “sightings”, if you will, of PinkMistress while she was in jail on the 8th of December: 3:45 AM, 5:12 AM, 5:28 AM, and 7:41 AM. Those of you who are observant, will have already noticed that many of these sightings occur in close proximity to the robberies, times when PinkMistress had claimed to be asleep in her bed – presumably following a particularly exhausting day’s worth of escapades involving terrorising elderly citizens of our great nation (note: might be true, or it might not be), or mutilating the broken bodies of her enemies (note: farcical speculation). It is not inconceivable that a powerful Made Woman could arrange to have herself liberated from her incarceration by her Armies of Pinkness in order to rape the banks of Denver. In her street discussion, entitled “outraged”, BrokenAngel claims her mother had received a 4.5-hour sentence, which was appealed and adjusted to 1 hour and 52 minutes. Indeed, this does not correspond to eyewitness accounts. The guards reported that at 7:53 AM on Dec 08, PinkMistress had received a 1 hour 25 minute sentence in the supermax security wing of the Denver jail. They also informed us at the time of questioning, that she was last awake in her cell on Dec 08 at 8:37 AM and that she was currently sleeping, little realising that by this time the next day she would have sucked in her last breath. Hazy reports suggest she was shot by a turnip at twenty-four minutes past one on the morning of December 9th 2005, although it must be said that this particular source had recently purchased a very large quantity of heroin. However bizarre this account of her last moments may seem, we have heard no reports to the contrary, so we wish her a peaceful rest and would like to caution our readers against deadly street turnips in the small hours of the morning. PinkMistress’ daughter, BrokenAngel then stepped forth to take her mother’s place on our streets. I must say I was astounded to hear of her “outrage” and her outbursts: “. . .if her accusers had the intergerity sic to discuss this with her. . .” - BrokenAngel, “outraged”, The Street Presumably, Miss Angel was attempting to attack the “integrity” of these imaginary accusers, for there only exists those who had admitted suspicions and made no accusations. Quite contrary to Miss Angel’s version of events, we can exclusively reveal the explanation as offered through the very lips of PinkMistress herself. One anonymous Denver resident was kind enough to provide a communication between themselves and PinkMistress, in an effort to remove the shroud of inscrutability about the circumstances. We were given permission to use this valuable historic document on the grounds that we do not modify it, do not reveal the source, and do not attempt to use it as a form of evidence in any trial against the fallen Made Woman. As promised, we have printed PinkMistress’ response verbatim: “hi(ooc) I have not been active on my account since yesterday morning and to clear up time differences it is 12:53pm here but I have several mails that have been marked read that I didn’t mark I checked my bank account and there isn’t any extra money in it , but it appears someone has been online I have had problems with my brother who used to play sometime ago getting on my name and had to change my password quite a few times but I don’t see anything in my news which he could have easily purged and no extra money in my bank. I haven’t read anything in the streets yet I am still sorting through all my mails more details on this would be appreciated” - PinkMistress, mobmail communication. We are told that, unfortunately, before further communication could be established, PinkMistress had passed on into the next world. She was mourned by her Family, the residents of Denver, and the community as a whole. Indeed, one police officer, a Sgt. Anthony Hole, “A-hole” to his colleagues, was yet another tragic twist to this sad tale. Unable to contain his grief at losing his star suspect, he flung himself from his office window, where he collapsed in a dumpster, before hedgehogs feeding upon honey fell onto his eyes. One mourner was quoted at PinkMistress’ funeral as saying: “I hope your daughter will contact me upon her return. . . i will make sure she gets her rightful inheritance.” Could this have been a reference to the loot obtained during the robberies? The thought had occurred to a minority of Denver residents, and given the power and influence that this Made Woman wielded, such a suspicion does not seem so far fetched. As we speak, Miss Angel could be sitting on an amassed inheritance nearing $100 million. Admittedly, she would probably not be sitting on her money; it would be “safely” in the bank while she sits on a velvet pillow sewn from kittens, surrounded by as much gold as she could eat. But once again, this is merely an entertaining speculation. Supporters of Miss Angel’s campaign to clear her mother’s name point to the bank robberies that occurred in Denver following the death of PinkMistress. It is conceivable that these sporadic robberies were committed by the very same perpetrator behind the Denver bank robbing spree – yet sceptics of this stance point out that these were not nearly as frequent, as daring, or as devastating as the spree itself. Therefore, it is equally conceivable that these were “copycat” robberies, following the widely publicised weakness of Denver bank security. At least one observer had commented that these subsequent bank robberies “didn’t have a feminine flair”. Admittedly, all the evidence stacked against PinkMistress is circumstantial and a jury would not be able to reach a conviction “beyond reasonable doubt”, but it cannot be denied that there certainly is a lot of circumstantial evidence here to discuss. It, therefore, is hardly surprising that she was the main suspect of the investigations. Yet in no way could this support a fully-fledged accusation, and no such fully-fledged accusation was ever lodged against the Made Woman. In summary, we know the following hard facts: PinkMistress was observed in suspicious circumstances about the time of the sickeningly callous robberies, however this evidence was purely circumstantial and she would have been acquitted in any courtroom. The infamous Made Woman was not formally accused of these crimes by the Gazette, or by residents of Denver, and she never will be. It had merely been confirmed that while she was alive, she was a suspect in the police investigation. The Denver bank robber will never be caught without an open admission from them or a descendant. The police and the residents of Denver are hoping to put the matter behind them, and it is the duty of the Gazette to keep the community informed by reporting on the matter. I, for one, am “outraged” that the descendant of such a prominent member of our community has inherited so very little of her mother’s delicate touch for political engagement. Lashing out so blindly and maliciously at those who are merely attempting to ascertain the truth has certainly not cast her in a favourable light. Now, perhaps before Miss Angel launches herself into another tirade I would hope that she carefully reads what is being written, takes time to consider the issues, and that she may demonstrate the courtesy to use correct spelling and grammar prior to submitting her reply. For the future, Miss Angel, be careful about holding your copy of the Gazette in a clenched fist, for it will crease, and try to keep the anger out of your eyes, for it does not suit you. - Gazette Reporter 'NEW STABLE OPENS: HORSES AT AFFORDABLE PRICES ' A new business venture has opened up to bring the horse ownership into the less affluent hands of those who want horses but cannot afford the million-dollar price tags. The horses will only be sold to those who want ownership rather than resale, but the prices will be in the reach of most pockets. The new business venture, set up by CarmelaDeAngelis, will see horses changing hands for a fraction of the cost that other dealers are pricing their horses at. Many people have complained about the high cost of horse ownership and this venture should see more horses in the hands of those who cannot afford to pay over one million dollars for a horse that may not be as good as the price tag suggests. None of the current horses for sale will be going on the open market and all will be sold through private dealings with none of the new owners being allowed to sell their horses on for a set period of time and any resale value will be set at the time of purchase. This will mean that anyone buying the horse will then not sell it immediately at the more normal list prices just to make money, but will see more people joining the other owners at the racetrack to see their horses run. The business itself will not be self-sustaining, so Ms DeAngelis asks that the generous members of the community with spare money donate to her horse buying fund to allow the continuation of the scheme. It is hoped that with this scheme in place, those with less disposable income will be able to own some assets in the way of an affordable horse. For more details on the scheme, or to donate money, please contact CarmelaDeAngelis at the Gazette office in Chicago. 'THE GIFT OF ORGANIZING ' By: Constanzia_Corleone While strolling along the street, this report happened upon a gather listening to a gentleman on a soapbox. The subject of this speech was the organization of the local thugs and hoodlums that are currently running amuck on the streets of every major city in the country. These live wires are trying to cut their teeth and make their bones by randomly mugging or shooting anyone who happens to be in their sight when the urge arises. The relief from these actions could be as simple enough as organizing the young and training them into our ways. GoodFeIIa has stepped forward and put himself in order to take the new faces under his direction and protection. He feels that if an opportunity presents itself for each to be trained in the Omerta, Family ways, and most of all respect. With this in mind, he plans in time to present them to society and allow them to meet associates in hopes to open doors for futures that would never exist for the random thugs and hoodlums. Perhaps, it can be instilled into them the importance of respect and loyalty. It is this reporter’s belief that GoodFeIIa appears to have the best interest of these young people in mind in addition to the current concerns of all who may have to deal with these young people and their random acts. 'GOODFELLA’S CORNER ' First Colloquium Before I begin, let me first introduce myself. My name is GoodFella and many of the much older faces around here, know who I am. I have served my time and plenty of it as a leader, unofficial godfather, and whatnot so I really won’t get into all of that. I come from a very different “thing of ours” and I am back to try and teach you all about what it was back then and why it is such a special time to all those who lived it. Every week I will just be giving my “2 cents” on all that is happening in this world and try to share a little of this seemingly old man’s wisdom with you all. Well, I will stop my rambling there and thank you for listening so let me begin… Ok, I have gone back and forth, hearing all the arguments for and against the “random” mugging and whacking within the community. What I will first say about all of it, to clear things up, is the reason why we call it “random such and such.” The point is simply to discredit the act so that it will deter others from following suit. The random part can also refer to a Mafioso’s random choice of a person to attack. If you chose not to do these “random” acts, congratulations, you are on the path towards Mafia enlightenment. However, if you chose not to conform to the Mafia community, congratulations, you are on the path towards divine enlightenment where you will talk to your maker and he will tell you what is right and what is wrong… Anyway, the point is we all chose our paths and if someone decides to go and randomly attack people, then that is there choice. And it is your choice whether to put a bullet between their eyes or not for doing so. It’s not like this is a new thing anyway. The great IzzyCreamCheese (God rest his soul) was killed years ago by very simply, a petty gangster who wanted to test his luck. Yes, the legendary Boss (not street boss) himself was killed so many years ago by a random attacker. It happens to the best of us and has been happening to the best of us for years. However, don’t let that ever stop you from following your path and continuing to bring respect to the streets. Respect, now there is a word for you all… that and “family.” Go look those up in the dictionary kiddies because your lives SHOULD be based around both of them. I stress the word “should” because that doesn’t mean you have to or that you will. Remember, this is just a strong suggestion, not an order or command by any means. The path is yours and what you decide to do is up to you. But hey, if you want to be remembered, randomly attacking people and pissing on their graves afterwards is definitely not going to get you there. Now, before I go too far off onto a tangent, let me get back to respect and family. Without respect, you aren’t going to go far, simply put, your death will be so quick that the most renown random attackers will tell you to take it easy. If you want to be remembered and have some fun while doing it, I suggest you learn everything there is to know about respect and implement it into your daily life’s policy. As for family, I have but one thing to say, “"I feel sorry for a person who does not have family, not because of what they will experience, but because of what they will not.” –GoodFella These two simple words are the very ideals of Omerta and of what the Mafia was first established upon. If you want to be a simple thug and hoodlum for what is left of your very short life, continue the random attacks and blatant disrespect and disloyalty to family. It is your choice after all and I am not going to be one to complain about it. I have seen it happen for 4 years so it isn’t like I expect it to cease immediately… However, if you do decide to live with respect, loyally serve a family, and strive for something that is greater than you, then I wish you the best of luck. It may seem nearly impossible just to reach Made status and anything above that seems all but out of reach, but remain ever vigilant nonetheless, for success is not defined by the awards we receive but by whether we deserve them or not. So kiddies, I leave you for now to keep that in your mind as you go about your lives and make the choices you make. It is YOUR lives after all; it is up to YOU whether you are remembered or whether you become another lost soul… 'DAHL HOUSE…ONE DOLL’S POINT OF VIEW ' A Commentary by BarbieDahl Barbequed Lemming Cut lemming into serving size pieces 2 bay leaves per lemming Salt and pepper Bacon drippings Barbecue sauce of your choice Put the lemmings into a pressure cooker and cover with water. Add bay leaves. Cook at 15 pounds pressure for 25 to 30 minutes. Preheat the oven to 350 degrees. Drain meat, salt and pepper to taste, then arrange the pieces in a baking pan, pour barbeque sauce over meat. Bake for 1 hour. Baste several times with sauce and pan juices. Enjoy. My final thought…for those of you that are not lemming connoisseurs…my next article will include recipes for Squirrel Wellington and Roasted Red Rabbit with apricot salsa . 'LETTERS PAGE ' Dear Carmela, How are you this lovely brisk December afternoon? Well, I hope. I figured to start making my comeback in the world of bitchiness, and what better way then to brighten your day with a rant? Oh yes, I can see your smile now. So shall we begin? Oh we shall. You know what I’m really getting sick of? Idiots who talk constantly on our streets about nothing that anyone cares about, and about things that have NOTHING to do with whatever conversation they are joining. A simple “I agree wit dat!” is not considered constructive, and I doubt anyone really gives a shit what your tiny little brain agrees with. People who speak in the streets, because they think it’s going to give them a better chance at someday becoming a street boss should really think before they speak. Why you ask? Because look at it this way…NO ONE WANTS A FUCKIN’ IDIOT RUNING A BAR! KTHNX!!! Wow, I feel a lot better now that I have gotten that off my chest. Another thing, these stupid Rap things going on in OOC Ave.? Stop it. If you feel the need to “spit it” is the hip happening hip hop folk call it these days, perhaps you should do it else where.. You know...Not around other mobsters. 50 cent may have lived through 9 gunshots, but I’m fairly sure you will not. Well that’s it for me. So for Chingy, 50, and even Snoop D-o-Double G, Have a hip-hop- happenin’ day. Big up to Brooklyn…or whatever the fuck they say. I love you all, honestly. Cooter J. Poo. 02:47, February 15, 2013 (UTC)02:47, February 15, 2013 (UTC)02:47, February 15, 2013 (UTC)Hice19 (talk) 02:47, February 15, 2013 (UTC) In Response to the Bank Robberies Issue 65’s Article Name my mother PinkMistress as chief suspect in the denver bank robberies purely because she was in the denver jail, I remeber my mother telling me after she had been accused that she had seen many made men passing through the city all night long, if somoene robs a bank in a city do you really think they would stay in that city? And if you are successful you have plenty of time to flee the city .MY mother also told me that her sentence was an hour and 52 minutes aftr paying almost a million dollars to appeal a 4and a half hour sentence of which she had already served an hour of which put her in jail the time of the last three robberies, The Denver bank was also robbed again after my mothers death, my mother worked hard to gain the postion and respect she had and most knew and loved her I will not let her name be tarnished , I also remeber my mother metioning that the man accusing her of theese robberies was a well known bank robber Ironic isnt it? To those that knew and loved my mother thank you for making her life wonderful she loved you all very much and to the ones who are trying to tarnish her name Shame on you! 'ANNOUNCEMENTS ' All Members of the Community" Mr.Aladdin and Mr.S.Daddy request your presence at the marriage ceremony of, MISS ABSOLUTELY-WICKED (Jesspre) Made Man of Miami, from the crew of *Peace Makers* to MR DOODAT (Doo) Street Boss of Miami, from the crew of *la nostra famiglia* This Sunday, December 18th, 2005 at the Catholic Cathedral of Miami. At 3pm mafia time. Reception to follow the ceremony at all Jesspre's Bars. Miami, Atlanta, and New York will be open to celebrate the blessed event 'CLASSIFIEDS ' Anyone wishing to place an ad should send it in to CarmelaDeAngelis at the Gazette Offices in Chicago. All ads are free, but must still fall within the set guidelines. 'Anyone wishing to submit articles should do so by 10am Mafia time on the day of publications. Articles will be paid for on an individual basis. Please contact CarmelaDeAngelis, Editor of The Mafia Gazette, at the Gazette Offices, Chicago. All articles must conform to the guidelines available in the booklet “Newspaper Recruiting” available on the newsstand and will be paid for. Normal articles will receive $5,000 and outstanding items will receive $10,000. '